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Kindling a Fire: Beware of Advice - Even This

Kindling a Fire: Beware of Advice - Even This

As students begin to turn their attention from summer to the next chapter of their educational journey, they are sure to receive plenty of unsolicited advice. Whether they are changing schools, moving buildings, or heading off to college, students may well encounter some familiar but misleading clichés, such as “follow your passion,” “do what makes you happy,” or “change the world.” These bromides are well-meaning, but they are a trap for the unwary. Perhaps I can warn students away from these platitudes and offer better advice.

First, consider the exhortation to pursue your passions. In truth, the notion that you can fully know your passion before adulthood is a fiction. For most people, it is only through a protracted and often painful engagement with the real world that one discovers one’s passions. Instead, I urge students to retain a voracious curiosity throughout life, for your true passion may yet reveal itself in the most unexpected of guises. And keep in mind that this passion will probably not crash down like a thunderbolt from above; it is far more likely to slowly emerge like a sculpture chiseled from the marble of life’s experience.

What about the advice “Do what makes you happy”? Happiness is great while it lasts, but happiness is not a constant state achieved through the avoidance of difficulty. Happiness derived from comfort is precarious and fleeting. It is through facing adversity—not fleeing from it—that one cultivates resilience, derives satisfaction, and carves out a meaningful existence. I encourage students not to avoid challenges and not to view all setbacks as trauma. Instead, embrace opportunities for productive struggle, and enjoy the happiness that often lies on the other side of a challenge well met.

Finally, there’s “change the world.” I certainly hope the students of today will make a difference in the world. But “change the world” often sounds grandiose, encouraging young people to pursue immediate revolution and sweeping public gestures rather than small, quiet, daily acts that often make a greater impact. By all means, change the world, but remember that change often resembles not the breaking of a dam but rather the quiet, persistent drip of water on stone.

If these conventional cliches are lacking, then to what should students aspire? I urge them to seek three things: mastery, autonomy, and community. These charges are not just another set of clichés; they are grounded in extensive empirical research.

Mastery is about becoming proficient in skills that matter to you. Notably, it’s not just about mastering professional or academic skills. But by developing mastery of something, you feel a sense of accomplishment and the ability to offer value to the world. You also commit to the lifelong journey of learning and excellence. And remember, mastery isn’t achieved overnight; it often requires long, hard, frustrating work. But it’s worth it: being good at something is fun and meaningful.

Autonomy means having the freedom to make your own choices and direct your own life. It’s about feeling a sense of control – that you are in charge of your life, not subject to the whims of fate or helpless against the injustices of an oft cruel world. This sense of agency is one of the traits most closely associated with strong mental health and a flourishing life. So put yourself, not others, in charge of your life, and do not underestimate your ability to think critically, solve your own problems, and lead an authentic life free from timid conformity or unearned victimhood.

Finally, community is about connecting with others and belonging to something bigger than yourself. It’s not about claiming a tribe or identity, it’s about recognizing that your well-being is deeply tied to the well-being of others. One of the best-replicated conclusions in all of social science is that people’s life satisfaction is driven by the quality of their relationships. So embed yourself in a deep network of relationships that sustain and nourish you.

If you seek mastery, autonomy, and community, you will find success, meaning, and purpose – and yes, you will probably even discover your passions, be happy, and change the world. But keep in mind that these three concepts are pursuits, not destinations. You will not reach a point in life where you clap your hands and declare victory. It’s a process. So is life. As the great American philosopher Nick Saban once advised, trust the process; fall in love with the process.

"Kindling a Fire" is a column submitted regularly to Indian Hill Living by Head of School Rob Zimmerman '98. This ran in the August 2024 edition of the publication.